Sweet Fancy Moses

chat logs

2010-12-17T09:01:00.002-06:00

9:55 AM Megan: i just sent you a link to your xmas gift

me: i'll check it out

Megan: yeah

9:56 AM me: rats with spikes

Megan: hahaha

ALBINO

me: fucking GREAT

Megan: michael, they come with vitamins

me: just what every family needs

9:57 AM fuckin Hedgehog Vitamins

Megan: yep

me: what the hell is WRONG with people?

Megan: im going to get those for you...and a snake...and a baby parrot

and a german shep puppy

9:58 AM you can put them all in the 55 gallon aquarium i will also buy for you

me: GREAT.

Megan: and the zebra finches

me: it'll be a Merry Fucking Christmas in the Mayer house

Megan: gotta get two because the person will not separate them

9:59 AM me: added bonus: my place will smell like Herpeton

Megan: mmmmm

that exotic animal scent

scentsy should trademark that smell

10:00 AM and make it into a featured or 'seasonal' smell

hahaa

me: "Dave's Dank Dungeon"

Megan: hahahahaha

in the 'creeper' section of scents

me: hahhahahha

Megan: also available: "used panties"....."old tacos and failure"

me: between "Dried Semen" and "Fresh Blood "

Megan: hahahahahaha

10:01 AM I was TOTALLY going to suggest "dried semen" too

"dingle berries and comic books"

me: "12 Sided Die and Cheetos"

10:02 AM Megan: hahahaha

also available: "just doritos"

me: Also in the creeper section "Rope Burns 'n Desperation"

Megan: sick!

10:03 AM creeper romance section: "new computer and Lubriderm"

me: hhhahahahhahah ( "just doritos" )

"Jergens 'n Japanimation"

10:04 AM Megan: hahahaha

man...we could make tons of cash

10:05 AM if scentsy only knew

Dealbreakers

2010-08-30T21:11:00.000-05:00

I'm a fan of 30 Rock and in the second season, Liz writes a book called "Dealbreakers".

As I grow older, I realize I have dealbreakers of my own.

Political :

Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity ( I can let Rush Limbaugh slide. Sure, he's full of shit but he can string together a coherent train of thought. )

Musical :

James Blunt ( maybe the most lyrically embarrassing "musician" of our lifetime. Closely followed by the dude from Train)

Literary :

Thomas Pynchon, Clive Cussler ( Thomas Pynchon is unreadable and I read one Clive Cussler book and was stumped as to how he is a "best selling" author. Just. Fucking. Awful. And yes, I read lots of Stephen King. Suck it. )

Television :

Oprah ( fuck Oprah Winfrey )

Movies:

Titanic ( I have never seen, nor will I EVER see, Titanic )

I do wish I occasionally had something positive to say on here but.....I just don't.

the guns

2010-08-10T22:18:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, when I'm around people I don't know very well, I'll say the word "cunt" and forget that some folks find it offensive.

Lasso of Truth

2010-07-25T23:42:00.002-05:00

Due to a bizarre set of circumstances, Jen and Lily ended up in the bedroom searching for videos of Wonder Woman on YouTube.

Not surprisingly, there are LOTS of clips of Wonder Woman on YouTube. In fact, some "fans" have taken the time to edit together every single time she did that spin-change-turn-into-wonder-woman thing BY SEASON. So if you, as a fan of Wonder Woman, wanted to see a 10 minute montage of Linda Carter taking her hair out of a ponytail, looking around for a second and then spinning around, well, here you go.

What fascinates me most about my child watching 10 minutes of a shitty show from the 80s is how analytical she was about it. She wasn't laughing or smiling. Just watching.

And....................learning?

I have no idea because after the video was over, we tried to get her to do some "Wonder Woman Spins" and she wouldn't. Even after Jen and I BOTH demonstrated how to do a proper spin. Even after I offered to make the explosion noises and hummed the tune that always plays when she spins.

No dice.

Evidence:

Father's Day.

2010-06-21T21:34:00.002-05:00

1984

2010-05-20T20:30:00.000-05:00

I met Eric Copeland the first day of sixth grade in 1984. It was my first day of school ( junior fucking high no less ) in a new town. We had just moved to Plainview, TX a week or so earlier.

Eric was sitting next to me in my very first class and he was the first person to talk to me. We became fast friends.

That's Lily and Eric's daughter Emma who is 12. The same age Eric and I were when we met.

Getting older blows my mind sometimes.

yikes

2010-04-26T21:43:00.000-05:00

Long time no post.

Tyson, I will get back to the bonfire thing. I'm trying to find a link to the original article in Texas Monthly, though it appears to be some sort of locked content online.

The short version is that most traditions are 1) pointless and 2) with time become more dangerous.

More later.........

P.S. I'm currently fucking JACKED on Vicodin. Tooth problems.

I just saw

2010-01-14T21:49:00.001-06:00

The trailer for the A-Team movie. With the sound turned off, it actually doesn't look awful.

Before I forget

2010-01-13T21:09:00.000-06:00

I have a whole thing in my head about how the A&M bonfire tragedy in 1999 is a perfect metaphor for why tradition is such a dangerous thing. ( I read an article in Texas Monthly about the A&M bonfire and it got me thinking )

Remind me and I'll type it all up some day.

King-Sized

2010-01-10T22:06:00.000-06:00

Whenever Jen falls asleep on the couch, I try to be really quiet so I'll have our bed to myself.

That's the kind of husband I am.

Tradition

2010-01-06T21:19:00.002-06:00

in practice, traditions may be the most dangerous thing in the world.

I think the problem is

2010-01-05T21:37:00.000-06:00

I'm pining for a version of myself that never actually existed.

don't worry

2010-01-04T22:03:00.000-06:00

I won't spend all of 2010 being a weepy pussy on here.

I will try to write more and more of it should maybe sometime be at least somewhat serious.

We'll see how long that lasts.

Look! My kid!

2010

2010-01-03T20:01:00.000-06:00

I spent New Year's Eve 1999 with my friends Jme and Colleen.

On paper ( or the screen ) 10 years looks like a long time. It feels like it could be or maybe it isn't. Jme and Colleen aren't married anymore. I don't even know who lives in that house on 24th street. A number, incidentally, I have tattooed on my back. That tattoo does what tattoos are supposed to do, mark a point. Maybe to put a period at the end of a sentence. I started dating Jen in 2000. We have a daughter now. A fact that still catches me by surprise. My old band was still together in 1999. My whole existence kind of pivoted on that band for about 5 years. I often wonder if that was wasted time or if it was one of those things that you just can't pay for and that regret or hindsight is an exercise in futility. I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. I sit down to play, or write or spend some of the precious minutes I have to do "my" stuff and I always finish empty-handed. I don't make anything anymore. I'm not sure if the desire to create something ( anything ) just exists so that I can mark those minutes or hours I spent with something at least marginally tangible. As in, "I just finished this song" or "I just wrote this paragraph".

I spend too much time online. To be more specific, I spend too much time pouring over the infinite corners of Facebook. I'm not sure what that compulsion is. Am I trying to re-live high school? Am I getting some satisfaction from being smug about people's bad taste or ignorance? ( two things I'm sure I have in spades ). Being self-righteous is funny. Until it's not. What I begin to realize is that no one really gives a shit but me and that makes me even more petty than those I think the same of. What a time suck that place is.

So, do I have any goals for this year?

I'd like to manage my time better and figure out what I should be doing when I'm not working or being a father or a husband. It's pretty easy to do nothing. The time I have outside of those confines is pretty small and a snap to squander. Shit, I'm doing it right now. Lily's asleep, Jen's working and I sat down to play and......nothing.

I watch too many movies, too much TV.

I guess this is the point where most people find Jesus or discover their purpose or, probably more often than not, just say "fuck it" and turn on Jersey Shore.

I'm not ready to do that yet but I haven't completely counted those two options out either.

tap tap tap

2009-12-21T19:53:00.002-06:00

Is this thing on?

Wagon

2009-08-30T22:26:00.000-05:00

By popular demand. ( popular means one person )

2009-08-27T21:08:00.002-05:00

I've neglected this blog and spent lots of time getting angry at the TV and being stunned at how stupid some of the people who are my "Facebook friends" are.

Since when did everyone I went to high school with turn into a devout Christian? I know it was almost twenty years ago but am I supposed to believe that they've really changed THAT much and that they've all somehow embraced this dogma? Seriously?

When I was 15 and my mom made me go to church, I always wondered how the assholes that were there got to be such assholes.

Now I know.

What a futile exercise in dishonesty.

aaaaaaaaaaand:

Bath time!

From Lily

An exercise in futility.

2009-08-11T20:27:00.002-05:00

I want to write a long well-thought out post on all this healthcare hulabaloo but what's the point. The people who read this probably already agree with me and the complete lack of reason and intelligence on the other side of the coin is just..........it's fucking ridiculous. How the debate has even gotten this far, with people defending the "I'll just go into a meeting and shout some nonsense" as being an act of patriotism is just.......again, it's fucking ridiculous.

I tried to talk to my Mom about it when she was here visiting and I got a glimpse into what the "other side" is like. My mom isn't stupid but when I was talking to her about this, she was so woefully misinformed that we couldn't even discuss it. We had no point of reference to start from. She was also; 1) more upset than I've ever seen her about any current event and 2) she was fucking SCARED. I think that her fear is what the insurance companies are counting on.

It's exhausting. I feel like being rational and reasonable should be the de facto response during these kind of discussions, not shouting someone down and spreading complete lies and...shit.....it's fucking ridiculous.

No exciting news.

2009-08-06T21:43:00.000-05:00

Life is good.

poker

2009-07-02T20:50:00.003-05:00

I'm playing fairly regularly again. Just online but it's calming to me. It's one of the few things that is really familiar and still interesting to me.

The idea of "the long run" is really appealing to me.

That's it.

The difference a year makes.

2009-06-25T19:37:00.004-05:00

neglect

2009-06-06T14:05:00.001-05:00

I have been neglecting this blog. I also have tried not to argue with people on Facebook.

My life is not very interesting, but my girl's doing AWESOME.

From Lily

Why do I do this?

2009-05-08T19:27:00.002-05:00

Why do I end up in these ridiculous, pages long political arguments with people on Facebook that I hardly even know?

I'm POSITIVE my time could be better spent.

On an unrelated note, look at my beautiful girl:

From Lily

Three things

2009-04-27T20:08:00.004-05:00

1. An awesome video of my daughter making various animal noises:

2. An unbelievable bike-rider-er-uhm-guy:

3. A Gmail chat with my friend Megan:

Megan: Uunnngh

9:37 AM me: ungnngngnangngngnngn

Megan: Gross

Is krp sick?

9:39 AM me: I guess. She's going home.

I told Angela Holt she could pick up Bella at 2:00

did KRP text you?

Megan: Oh

No facebook..her status

9:40 AM I should be there by 2 hah

me: aight.

Megan: I'm sitting. By this older woman talking about her job I guess

9:41 AM But its SO boring

I would just die if I had her job

9:42 AM A bunch of vague terms bullshit etc...ugh I might have to move

9:43 AM me: just fart.

that should "clear the room"

Megan: Hahah

Yeah

Well I took gas pills this morning

My parents made me take them!

me: If you're really bored you should watch this: ( it's unbelievable )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z19zFlPah-o

6 minutes

9:50 AM Megan: That's crazy

Is that going to be your new hobby?

9 minutes

9:59 AM me: of course. plus, it'll make it easy to pick up underage boys

10:00 AM Megan: Oh definitely

10:01 AM me: flight still delayed?

Megan: Yes

We were supposed to be in the air right now

me: fun!

10:02 AM Megan: Yeah

Hopefully I have time for lunch

me: MEGAN HUNGRY!

Megan: I hate eating in airports or on planes

Haha not hungry yet but I will be!

10:03 AM You won't like me when I'm hungry

me: yikes.

Megan: My ass hurts from sitting in these airport chairs

10:04 AM I tried to get comfortbale to sleep but it just wasn't happening

5 minutes

10:10 AM me: It's fucking FREEZING COLD here.

I think there's gonna be a TWISTER!!!!!

Megan: Freezing?

me: yup

Megan: Hah

But the weather channel says its about 70 degrees

10:11 AM me: 70 degrees my ass

Megan: You are just a cold natured pussy

Hahahahahahahaha

me: did you find your gay-ass wedding dress?

Megan: I did

10:12 AM Haven't bought it yet thpugh

I will most likely get it in austin since I found it at davids bridal

me: gay gay GAY!

Megan: Ugh it was the most expensive one I tried

10:13 AM And the one that I thought wouldn't look good at all

me: Ellen said she hates you.

Megan: Why

me: And she hasn't even seen your dress but she hates it too.

And she hates Fox.

and Thai.

And your hair.

10:14 AM Megan: Jerk

me: Ellen said it, don't be mad at me.

Megan: Right

me: ( I think she thinks you're a race traitor )

Ellen's kind of a bigot.

Megan: Hahah

me: I find it wholly inappropriate but it's not my place to stifle Ellen's racism.

Megan: She sure is

10:15 AM me: She just spit on me and then punched me in the face. She said I wasn't "white enough".

She's starting to scare me, frankly.

Megan: Who is working with me this afternoon?

Hah!

me: It's just you.

10:16 AM Megan: But you're the whitest guy I know

me: no one else is on the schedule.

good luck

Megan: Nice

Thanks

me: You, BR, DT and KH ( at 5:00 )

Megan: Ah

me: It's slow as fuck but the dogs here are assholes.

Megan: Great. That's always nice

Maybe I should bring travis then?

10:17 AM me: Sure, why not throw some gas on the fire?

Megan: Right

Speaking of gas

I think I grossed out my parents

me: If the "disk cleanup" thingey is still running when you get here, just let it run. It's taking FOREVER but hte computer is slow as fuck so I'm trying to fix it.

with your farting?

10:18 AM Megan: Yes with my farting

My mom made me take gas pills

10:19 AM Oh boy my plane is boarding!

me: don't crash@

or fart.

10:20 AM Megan: Jerk!

Don't joke about crashing!

me: remember, you can use your seat cushion as a flotation device

Megan: Right

no more titles

2009-03-16T20:38:00.003-05:00

I'm prone to fits of nostalgia.

They usually last 5 to 7 years.

I'm a reflective sort in general because I'm rarely pleased with the way things are presently going. This can be said of any point in my life. I usually think things were better or they're about to get better, rarely realizing that in a few years, I'll look back on the now and think the same thing.

Right?
Right.

I mark time with music and pictures. I love that you can pull up a picture and see the exact date, hell, the exact SECOND it was taken.

Of course, some records do the same thing but, given my former life, I also have the luxury of going back and listening to music I had a hand in creating.

There's not a whole lot in my life that I'm proud of ( save my daughter and the small hand I had in making some music ) but it sure is nice to go back and listen sometimes.

Particularly, you should go here and listen to "Not Going Well". My friend Scott and I spent an inexcusable amount of time in my old, smoky studio banging out his record. A record that, I'm ashamed to say, was never properly mixed, released or, for that matter, even really finished. There's 15 some-odd songs, most of them are good, a few are great and one or two are probably just o.k.. I've kind of lost perspective. I remember that we just started putting it down and there were no rules or limitations, no pressure to ever pull it off live. We just made the record we wanted to make.

We started his record in 2001, after my old band ( of which Scott was a member ) split up. It was cathartic for me and a shit-ton of fun and sometimes I can't believe that was 8 years ago.

Scott makes me laugh like no one else, he lives in Oregon now and listening to his stuff makes me miss my friend.

From Random Stuff

titles are stupid

2009-03-08T19:04:00.000-05:00

Shit.

Parenting Tips

2009-02-22T14:51:00.002-06:00

Jen and I have found that once Lily learns a new skill, it's best to encourage that skill's usage.

Valentine's Day

2009-02-15T18:45:00.000-06:00

Sass.

2009-02-09T20:05:00.000-06:00

She grows.

2009-02-08T18:39:00.000-06:00

I have no good title

2009-02-04T19:34:00.002-06:00

I wish that Blogger didn't ask for post titles.

On a Google-related note, Latitude is just a ridiculous application. If I were smarter, I'd think of ways to make money with it.

Which got me to thinking about how much of my life the Google corporation has access to and it's pretty ridiculous.

If only they would buy Flickr, we'd be set.

we made it this far

2009-02-01T19:32:00.001-06:00

Today is our anniversary. We've been married for a year and together ( on and off, mostly on ) for almost 9 years.

I was talking to my mom on the phone today ( Lily went to stay with her for a few days ) and she said that Jen and I lead a "quiet, simple" life.

I take that as an enormous compliment.

cop-out

2009-01-26T20:44:00.000-06:00

I was gonna write a post about how I thought Tyler Perry produced a more racist body of work than most card-carrying Klan members did in a lifetime and then I ran across this picture and abandoned my post in favor of this picture. ( but see how I still slipped in a dig at Tyler Perry? )

Obligatory picture post

2009-01-25T21:32:00.000-06:00

I know, I know, nothing and then two posts in one day.

I can't tell you how fucking thrilled I am that Google released a Mac version of Picasa. Given the amount of pictures I take ( hundreds every month ) and Google's seamless integration with Gmail, Blogger & Youtube, Picasa makes my life MUCH easier.

That's Ruby with Lily. She lives down the street from us, she's eight years old and Lily absolutely ADORES her. I think the feeling is mutual.

The other pic is, I'm pretty sure, Lily dancing and singing.

self-editing

2009-01-25T11:47:00.002-06:00

I'm getting better at it.
I still can't keep my mouth all the way shut ( especially when I really, really should ) but I think I'm getting better at making concise, logical points without immediately referring to the other person as a "fuckfaced retard".

So, progress.

um.

2009-01-09T20:22:00.002-06:00

I should write more. I've been bad about updating lately.

I am currently watching a movie on Lifetime ( yes, Lifetime, and yes, the movie is terrible ), but I'm completely enamored with Sara Rue and she's the only reason I'm watching. The movie is called "Nightmare at the End of the Hall". God, it's just awful.

If Juliana Hatfield and Lisa Loeb had a magic-two-girl baby, it would look like Sara Rue:

Like Coldplay but with better production, lyrics and less douchiness.

2009-01-04T20:05:00.002-06:00

Buy it.

Elbow, "The Seldom Seen Kid".

How have I never heard these guys before?

I'm starting a radio station

2008-12-22T13:30:00.004-06:00

I will make MILLIONS, so you better get in on the ground floor.

The name of the station will be CougarTunes.

The target demographic is women 40 and over desperately clinging to their youth. ( their other hand is desperately clinging to an alcoholic beverage or the penis of a man 15 years their junior )

The station's playlist will be limited to the following artists: Matchbox 20, Chris Daughtry, Santana, Nickelback and that new American Idol winner with the red hair who sounds like Chris Daughtry but is a little younger and not as bald. ( I'm still considering adding John Mayer but I have a little more market research to do )

To take advantage of this unique investment opportunity, you can make checks payable to Michael Mayer.

I'm impressed

2008-12-17T21:40:00.002-06:00

Look how smart the new "genius" feature in iTunes is.

Seriously, it did a really good job.

Muenzler

2008-12-13T19:37:00.003-06:00

There are many reasons that Melissa is my friend.

Among them:

1. Within 20 minutes of first meeting her, we were trading rape jokes.
2. She willingly tried to help get a dachsund's penis erect so I could take a picture.
3. Posts like this.

See ya at Christmas, Muenzler.

What happens when Patton Oswalt won't sync.

2008-12-09T19:36:00.002-06:00

Fuel

2008-12-08T20:31:00.000-06:00

They were digging a new foundation in Manhattan
And they discovered a slave cemetery there
May their souls rest easy now that lynching is frowned upon
And we've moved on to the electric chair
And I wonder who's gonna be president
Tweedle Dumb or Tweedle Dumber?
And who's gonna have the big
Blockbuster box office
This summer
How 'bout we put up a wall
Between the houses and the highway
And then you can go your way
And I can go my way
Except all the radios agree with all the TV's
And all the magazines agree with all the radios
And I keep hearing that same damn song
Everywhere I go
Maybe I should put a bucket over my head
And a marshmallow in each ear
And stumble around for another dumb numb week
For another hum drum hit song to appear
People used to make records
As in a record of an event
The event of people
Playing music in a room
Now everything is cross-marketing
It's about sunglasses and shoes
Or guns or drugs
You choose
We got it rehashed
We got it half-assed
We're digging up all the graves
And we're spitting on the past
And we can choose between the colors
Of the lipstick on the whores
Cuz we know the difference
Between the font of twenty percent more
And the font of teriyaki
You tell me
How does that make you feel?
You tell me what's real
They say that alcoholics are always alcoholics
Even when they're dry as my lips for years
Even when they're stranded on a small desert island
With no place in two thousand miles to buy beer
And I wonder is he different
Is he different
Has he changed
What he's about
Or is he just a liar
With nothing to lie about
Am I headed for the same brick wall
Is there anything I can do
About anything at all
Except go back to that corner in Manhattan
And dig deeper
Dig deeper this time
Down beneath the impossible pain of our history
Beneath unknown bones
Beneath the bedrock of the mystery
Beneath the sewage system and the path train
Beneath the cobblestones and the water main
Beneath the traffic of friendships and street deals
Beneath the screeching of kamikaze cab wheels
Beneath everything I can think of to think about
Beneath it all
Beneath all get out
Beneath the good and the kind and the stupid and the cruel
There's a fire that's just waiting for fuel

-Ani Difranco

wow.

2008-12-07T18:14:00.001-06:00

Birthday Lily
Originally uploaded by michaelrossmayer

Technically, this post is three days late ( her birthday is December 4th )

Year one is in the can.

Felines and Toddlers.

2008-12-01T20:27:00.003-06:00

My cat, Cagney is loud, obnoxious and generally unpleasant. She will sit in your lap and meow incessantly until you pet her. Then, when she's done with the petting, she'll bite you to let you know, "that's enough".

She hates Lily ( not as much as my other cat, Lacey; that love affair can be saved for another post ), but she loves to be touched so much that she can't get up and leave when Lily is harassing her.

Lily's standard greeting is to either throw herself directly onto the animal that she sees or to bury her face in their head or side and go, "gaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh".

On this special occassion, she was testing the elasticity of Cagney's face.

P.S. Jen and I never, NEVER let her hurt any of the animals in any way. She's learning what "gentle" means and we know that even animals can only be expected to endure so much.

There are only, like, 3 or 4

2008-11-23T16:22:00.003-06:00

In my advancing age my musical priorities have become limited. That is to say that there are only a handful of bands who's releases I will immediately purchase.

Those would be:

1. The Weakerthans
2. Jimmy Eat World
3. Steve Earle
4. The Jealous Sound

All the rest of the bands I like have broken up.

And, goddammit, the Jealous Sound released an EP in October and I totally missed it.

I was so on top of this kind of stuff about 5 years ago.

Of course, "Got Friends" is awesome ( you can safely ignore the "remixes" on the EP ) and even though that dude pretty much writes the same song over and over it's a really good song.

Go listen to all the stuff he did while fronting Knapsack while you're at it.

neglect

2008-11-16T22:49:00.003-06:00

I should be posting more and it's not like I don't have stuff to say, I just seem to be short on time and sleep lately.

Upcoming items of note:

1. How I was (mostly ) right about people I went to high school with.
2. Giardia and my dog Daisy unleashing a literal shit-storm in the back seat of my car.
3. Pictures. So. Fucking. Many. Pictures.

My daughter will be a year old in, like, 2 weeks. ( her first word? "Dog", naturally )

It's surreal.

I know..

2008-11-05T18:57:00.001-06:00

It's a total cop-out and I link to him all the time, but he always says things so much better than me.

So, here.

yet again

2008-10-29T11:45:00.000-05:00

Someone else stole an idea that I SHOULD have had.

Here.

Pica

2008-10-19T10:31:00.001-05:00

IMG00561.jpg
Originally uploaded by michaelrossmayer

My daughter had her first taste of dirt yesterday.

Is that a 20 or 30 footer?

2008-10-12T20:40:00.000-05:00

Jen and I were traveling back from my parent's house in Nacogdoches a few months ago, when we stopped at a gas station to get (what else?) gas.

We were standing in line inside, waiting to pay when I turned to Jen and quitely said, "Boat People", while nodding at the family in front of us.

Jen nodded back at me knowingly, understanding immediately what I meant when I said "Boat People".

I meant people that owned boats.

They have too-dark tans and drive F750 pickups with boats behind them.

Mom is blonde ( not naturally, of course ).

Dad has a moustache and either sells cars for a living or is the manager of a tractor store and he plays golf. Male Boat People always play golf.

Boat people won't hurt you, they just hang out on their boats, drive big SUVs, smoke Marlboro lights, binge drink, buy leather furniture and, occasionally, cheat on their spouses.

Boat people like steak, football and wearing holsters to carry their cell phone.

They prefer polo shirts tucked into khaki shorts, take bi-annual trips to Vegas and own their own margarita machines.

While listening to Jimmy Buffet, they'll have a barbecue and invite their friends over ( who are usually also Boat People or aspiring Boat People ).

They always have EXACTLY three kids ( one of which is disproportionately younger than the other two ).

Boat People like Nickelback but are REALLY into Los Lonely Boys.

Am I the only one who is aware of this fascinating cross-section of society?

In all seriousness ( sort of ).

2008-10-05T20:43:00.005-05:00

I know I'm preaching to the choir here. I estimate that 6 or 7 people read this blog and of those, NONE would be described as conservative Republicans ( or anything even close to it ).

Jen and I watched the debate on Thursday and it was stunning. She kept pausing our TV, turning to me and saying, "Did she really just say that?"; then we'd back it up and watch it again and, sure enough, she really did say "Joe Six Pack" and that "Say it ain't so, Joe" line and the winking.

God help us, all the winking.

Now, I didn't like the woman going into the debate but I can't, for the life of me, see how a thinking person could call her performance anything less than completely embarrassing. She finally just said that she wasn't going to answer the questions ( I thought this was the most honest part of her entire delivery ).

SHE SAID SHE WASN'T GOING TO ANSWER THE QUESTIONS.

IN.
A.
DEBATE.

The actual quote is:

"I may not answer the questions the way that either the moderator or you want to hear."

This sounds like a defense of her own "style" of speaking but what she actually did was not answer the questions. She'd either say "I'd like to talk about ( insert something from her note cards, probably something about energy policy )" and just talk about that instead.

There is a long list of journalists, pundits and newspeople who defended, even praised, her "performance". This alone puts a nail in the coffin of the idea that there is a "liberal bias" in the media. If ever there was an infinitely easy opportunity for someone with "liberal bias" to tear Palin a brand new asshole, this was it.

And guess what?

No one did.

I didn't hear a single person say what everyone MUST have been thinking, which is, "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?"

They're really, really, REALLY fucking lucky that Gwen Ifill had this huge controversy about her moderating, because it completely neutered her ability to, you know, actually MODERATE.

Hands down, my favorite part of the whole debate was at the end, when both the candidate's families were mingling on stage, Jen turned to me and said, "Oh Christ, is she gonna hold that kid up like the Lion King?"

I really, really Love my wife.

Sunday Night Bath!

This sums up

2008-10-02T13:11:00.000-05:00

exactly how I feel

click me! click me!

Pensive

2008-10-01T21:17:00.001-05:00

shoulders
Originally uploaded by michaelrossmayer

She looks like she's REALLY debating something.

Or, she could be taking a shit.

Of course

2008-09-28T20:52:00.001-05:00

the first time I leave town, my daughter decides that it's a great opportunity for her to take her first steps.

At least my Mom got to see it.

Shit, shit, shit.

Why stop now?

2008-09-18T20:33:00.001-05:00

Seriously, there are SO MANY pictures.

I've made peace

2008-09-17T09:04:00.001-05:00

with the fact that this blog may soon exist to only showcase pictures of my daugher.

I give you, Lily the Witch!!!!! ( and a sideways shot of my wife's awesome rack )

I have a Jew-crush on Sarah Silverman.

2008-09-14T09:59:00.001-05:00

Teeth

2008-09-13T19:57:00.001-05:00

JenLilyswingsmile
Originally uploaded by michaelrossmayer

Two of them.

If you look reeeeeeeallllly close you can see them on the bottom there.

On Palin and this whole thing.

2008-09-04T20:05:00.003-05:00

Anyone that thinks teaching abstinence-only as birth control is a fucking idiot. It's irresponsible, dangerous moral grand-standing that is ineffective.

PERIOD.

Her stance on this ALONE allows me to dismiss her.

You can do the math on her daugher and her daughter's baby and how she's gonna take care of five kids ( one pregnant, one special-needs ) and be vice president. ( but keep in mind, she's all about "Family Values", right? )

As if my faith in humanity needed further erosion.

"Andrew gets up, we all get up, it'll be anarchy"

2008-08-23T21:45:00.002-05:00

I'm really bothered by the new JC Penney ad campaign.

If you haven't seen it, it's basically just kids in ( what else? ) JC Penney clothes re-enacting scenes from "The Breakfast Club". It's not that it really bothers me that JC Penney is aping "The Breakfast Club" ( I'm sure John Hughes got written a fat-ass check ) it's that the target audience of 12 to 17 year-olds more than likely has NO idea that these are all scenes from a movie.

This, in turn, leads me to believe that the ad agency that JC Penney hired basically said: "We're completely out of ideas".

John Bender was my hero.

There, I said it.

The Courage to Suck

2008-08-19T21:43:00.000-05:00

The internet has, more than anything, provided us with a never-ending glut of really, really bad stuff.

Bad art, bad music, bad photography, bad poetry, etc. etc. etc.

This is no crime and can certainly be a source of amusement, but there's a part of me that truly admires a person who makes their poorly-expressed, badly executed "vision" available for public consumption.

Even though it can be a fairly anonymous move, I still think it's a huge act of bravery to be openly bad at something.

It's kept me from publicly pursuing a number of things that I do in "private" ( music, more than anything; a pursuit that used to be a lot more "public" )

Writing is one the few things that I've felt o.k. about making readily available. If someone dislikes it, it really doesn't hurt my feelings that much. ( as opposed to, say, if someone ripped a song I wrote or a picture I took that I was really proud of. To be fair, though, there are only a handful of people who's opinion I care enough about, especially music-wise.)

So, in closing, I'm a closeted, sensitive egomaniac.

Please Love me and everything I do.

If it wasn't for the Internet,

2008-08-15T19:58:00.001-05:00

I never would have seen this:

wince-inducing

2008-08-12T21:23:00.003-05:00

I usually watch "The Office" on Tuesday nights on TBS. ( for my money, it's the best-written and most brilliantly casted show on TV )

In addition to "The Office", I have to see the commercials on TBS. This includes the commercials that try to pass themselves off as little comedy routines.

Have you seen these?

It's where some writer comes up with really bad "jokes" that are actually advertisements for, say, Staples or Budweiser and then a second or third tier comedian ( someone that you saw on Comedy Central once at like 3:00 AM ) performs in front of a fake audience who, of course, are just bowled over by the hilarity of a joke about beer or office supplies.

How..............................goddamn sad.

Frog!

2008-08-10T19:58:00.001-05:00

Frog
Originally uploaded by michaelrossmayer

Dear Stranger

2008-08-09T22:28:00.003-05:00

We were in the same store today and I was just wondering why you have four kids.

You clearly don't like any of them, so why did you and your wife have FOUR?

I understand that we all have bad days, but it was readily apparent that you treated your kids like that all the time.

You know, they make many forms of birth control, or you could get a vasectomy or your wife could get a tubal ligation ( she looked like she hated you AND the kids and I certainly can't blame her for the first part ).

Your kids were just acting like kids ( they were in a goddamn TOY STORE for chrissakes, what do you expect them to do? ).

I really hope that your kids are able to live full, productive lives despite the daily blasts of unnecessary bullshit you give them. Or, at the very least, that you have a big, fat life insurance policy and you get run over by a bus really soon.

I think that would be best for everyone.

Given the number of children you have and your obvious disdain for them, I'm guessing that you and your wife are just stupid or Catholic or, more than likely, both.

In closing, fuck you a bunch.

( P.S. I composed and posted this entry whilst sitting on the toilet. )

Is it just me?

2008-08-08T21:29:00.002-05:00

Or does Victoria Osteen look like a porn star?

Two things are obvious about the "case" ( boy, do I use the term loosely )

1. Victoria Osteen is probably a HUGE bitch who did exactly what she's accused of.
2. That flight attendant is looking to make some cash.

( as an aside, I wonder if when asking themselves, "what would Jesus do", Joel and Victoria answered: "Fly first class" )

Also, is anyone at ALL surprised that John Edwards was fucking around on his wife? ( I'd bet my next paycheck that this is not the only "extramarital affair" he's had. )

I've read it's more addictive than Heroin.

2008-08-07T21:40:00.003-05:00

When I was 15 years old, I started smoking.

I started because I thought it was cool ( I was right ) and that it made me look cool ( right again ).

What happened, though was I found out I really, realllllly, REEEEAAAAAALLLLY liked smoking.

It was my "thing". I think it's the equivalent of alcoholics who say that when they have their first drink a sort of light goes on. Smoking was like that for me.

So, I smoked for almost 20 whole years. ( the only time I had tried to quit before was when I moved to Austin in 2004. And, to my credit, I quit for an entire year. )

That's the only time I've ever tried to quit until January of this year. I decided that, what with fatherhood and all, the responsible thing for me to do was quit.

For good.

So, I stopped. Cold turkey. January 8th, I think. And I haven't smoked since. I finished the last cigarette in my pack and that was it.

I firmly believe that unless you really want to quit, it doesn't make a goddamn bit of difference if you use the patch or Chantix or any other "stop smoking aids".

This is all well and good.

The problem is, I miss it. Alot. I really, really, really, really miss smoking. From what I've read, it's physically out of your system in a few days, so I'm way past the physical side, I just really miss smoking now.

And I'm kinda scared that I'll always really want to smoke and it won't go away.

I realize that there are much larger issues in the world, but being kind of obsessive by nature, I spend way too much time thinking about whether or not I should start smoking again.

I know what the answer to that question is, but it nags at me, nonetheless.

And, as hokey as it may sound, these are the only two reasons I don't go to the convenience store RIGHT NOW and pick up a sweet-ass pack of Marlboros.

All I ever cared about

2008-08-06T22:14:00.002-05:00

swing
Originally uploaded by michaelrossmayer

since having Lily was that she was happy.

It sounds simplistic, but I think if your kid is happy, you haven't fucked up too bad. ( that's just the kind of bar I set for myself: "Hey, Michael, as a parent, try not to fuck up too bad" )

And so far, we haven't (fucked up too bad) and she is (happy).

P.S. I got a Blackberry recently ( courtesy of my boss and our new work phone plan ) and what I've gotten the most use out of, bar none, is the little 2 MP camera on it.

the truth is

2008-08-01T22:14:00.004-05:00

The truth is, that no matter how much I love my daughter and my wife and, generally, my life, there are still days that it all seems pretty fucking pointless.

Not pointless in a "Oh, Jaysus! Hep me! Imma gonna blow offin' my head" kind of way.
Just in a "I'm feeling sorry for myself and no amount of Prozac is gonna fix it" kind of way.
That lower-middle-class-whiney-white-boy way.

Where you realize that how you thought things would turn out when you were 24?

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

And the way my life turned out is, in many ways, better than I could've ever hoped for and in other ways.......well, not nearly as good as I thought it would. ( let's leave the specifics out of it, for my sanity's sake )

The hilarity of a 34 year old man complaining online is not lost on me.

If I weren't me, I'd make fun of me.

There, I got it all out and I feel better.

On a completely unrelated note, I really, really love Chris Whitley. I have since he released "Living with the Law" in, I think, 1991. ( sadly, he died in 2005 )

You hear a lot of noise about Stevie Ray Vaughn when you live in Austin, and I always want to sit down these SRV devotees and play them "Living with the Law" and go, "See, now THAT'S an incredibly tasteful guitar player who can also write great songs"

It's a damn shame the man didn't get more credit or widespread success, he was a brilliant musician.

I sincerely encourage you to check out his stuff. ( "Dirt Floor" is another amazing record that he recorded, literally, off the dirt floor of a barn. Just him and a dobro. No overdubs. No studio trickery. It's a testament to what writing great songs is really about and the kind of album that most of today's artists wouldn't EVER have the heart or guts to make )

Hideousness

2008-07-30T21:44:00.003-05:00

I sometimes find awesome ( read: tacky and horrible ) things on Craigslist and forward them to Jen.

Today's gem?

http://austin.craigslist.org/hsh/776319407.html

GRRRRRR!

Modern life

2008-07-28T14:59:00.001-05:00

I finally got a new battery for my little g4 Powerbook, so it doesn't have to be plugged in all the time.

And, let's be honest, there was one MAIN reason for the new battery.

So I could read CNN online while taking a dump.

Cue Badassery

2008-07-20T22:43:00.000-05:00

Whenever Jen and I are watching a movie or a "very special episode" of some TV show, I will invariably ( and usually towards the end of the movie ) say:

"Here's where the strings come in"

It will be at the big, emotional ending of the film where the protagonist conquers the villain or the two lovers finally get down to some honest-to-goodness humping or the daughter reconciles with her estranged mother or, etc. etc. etc.

( I did, quite insensitively, say "here's where the strings come in" the other day when we were watching some show about rape or incest or something equally revolting. Even I admit it was insensitive. Jen just raised her eyebrows and softly said, "Michael"; which is enough to let me know I've crossed the line )

So, in every movie there's a "here's where the strings come in" moment. I defy you to find me a movie without it. ( minus documentaries, foreign films and porn )

( Do I need to clarify here that by "strings" I mean the string section on the soundtrack? Where they do the big, sweepy thing and testosterone levels plummet? You know, THAT moment. )

So, that huge lead up is to tell you about my favorite string sections in actual songs. I'm of the opinion that strings are usually used very predictably and poorly in songs ( see the Goo Goo Doll's entire catalog for reference ), but there are a few artists who use them sparingly and to great effect.

In order of awesomeness:

1. Steve Earle, "The Gringo's Tale"

God, Steve Earle is such a badass. My dream would be to play rhythm guitar in his band. The strings on this song are waaaaay tough. Steve Earle is what every bullshit "Texas Country" wannabe ( Pat Green, et al ) wishes they could be; sincere. He also released one of the few "political" albums in the last few years that was actually listenable. ( I heard Sheryl Crow on NPR a few weeks ago, trying to sell her newest record. They played the first single and it was fucking terrible. Some advice,Sheryl? Don't try to weigh in on current events. Just play pop music and look pretty. )

2. Counting Crows, "I'm Not Sleeping"

Before Counting Crows started to completely suck ( listen to their latest album if you doubt me ) they used to make good records with good songs and also with cool string parts. My favorite is "I'm Not Sleeping" from Recovering the Satellites, but the whole album is full of great string parts. I wish I could sit down with the band and ask them what happened. I'm a huge fan, it's just so sad. I mean, the new album is plain embarassing. They know better.

3. Matthew Good, "Pledge of Allegiance"

Technically, these are not strings. They're bells. But boy do I like 'em. I suggest checking out Matthew Good. The earliest stuff is not so great and the last solo album he put out is so-so, but from "Beautiful Midnight" to "White Light Rock and Roll Review" is a solid run.

I like Canadian bands.

Goodnight.

goldmine!

2008-07-17T20:29:00.001-05:00

I just found the best website ever.

Enjoy.

I am a target market.

2008-07-13T20:41:00.003-05:00

It's sad that the ads Facebook serves to me are for hair loss.

I assume this is based on some sort of age demographic chart that they came up with.

I hate it when they're right.

Epiphany

2008-07-08T21:14:00.002-05:00

I just realized exactly how feminists must feel.

I saw the umpteenth Budweiser commercial featuring guys who only want to watch football and drink beer. Men that are, apparently, supposed to represent all men. Men who will do anything to "trick" their wives into letting them drink beer and watch football.

I don't drink beer.

I don't watch football.

I can't believe it, I think.....I........uh............

I think I'm offended.

This NEVER happens.

progress, to put it lightly

2008-07-06T20:18:00.003-05:00

Despite my fear of sounding like a cliche', this kid thing happens REALLY fast.

She crawls like crazy now, waves at me and, my favorite, randomly screams with sheer delight AS LOUD AS SHE CAN.

She's almost outgrown the sink and will soon be moving to the bath. (assuming, that is, that we can get our cat Ralphie to stop shitting in the bathtub. Don't even ask. )

visting family

2008-06-27T19:18:00.005-05:00

I am currently in Los Angeles and am, technically, "visiting family".

I met my paternal grandfather for the first time yesterday. It wasn't as dramatic as it sounds, the short version of the story is this:

My Dad was born in Hollywood, CA in 1943. He lived here until he was 8. His Dad hauled ass when he was five. My Dad and his Mom ( who was crazy as a shit-house rat, pardon my language ) moved to Houston. My grandmother remarried ( to a real motherfucker, incidentally ) and that's that.

My Dad never heard from his Dad again.

For 60ish years.

A month or so ago, Jewish Family Services of Los Angeles contacted him regarding "conservatership" of his father. His dad's a wee bit senile now and they have to deal with his finances and had to make a concerted effort to locate any living relatives before they could legally take over. So, they made the effort, found my Dad and here we are.

It goes without saying that all this shit is presently and has historically affected my life and my whole family. It's a bit much to digest currently, but I do feel better having typed it all out.

I'm still not sure how I really feel about any of it. Shit, I'm here for MY dad, not because I was wanting some huggy, tearful reunion with a man I've never met. That shit's for bad movies and "very special" TV episodes.

Other observations:

1. We're technically in Beverly Hills and I've never seen so goddamn many Mercedes and BMWs. They're like the Honda Accords of Beverly Hills.

2. The weather here is totally amazing. They were complaining about how hot it was and I wanted to say ( in my deepest Texuuuuus drawuuuuul ), "Ya'll don't know shit about hot".

3. Although my sister and I share very little in common, we both find spending four consecutive days with our parents very trying.

I'm going to the Commerce tonight, alone, to play some poker and deflate a little.

give me a fucking BREAK

2008-06-13T20:29:00.002-05:00

That's a real puppy.

And a real Lily.

My boss got an eight week old King Charles Cavalier from a rescue in Oklahoma.

It's ridiculously cute.

And, as you can see below, Lily sorta wanted to eat the puppy's ears.

Is that "Hallmarky" enough for you?

I repeat myself.

2008-06-05T13:31:00.002-05:00

You really should read this.

I link to his stuff a lot because I respect his writing and the fact that even when being foul-mouthed he still makes excellent points. ( and I have a soft spot for the foul-mouthed )

I aspire to be half as entertaining, informed and clear-thinking.

Plus, he's really, really funny.

I Love the Onion, part 3516546132165494

2008-06-04T21:37:00.001-05:00

New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less

snot and drool

2008-05-25T14:49:00.002-05:00

Lily's sick. ( and teething, we think )

She has a cold and she's trying to be tough about it, but for chrissakes, she's only 5 months old.

The only things that make her happy are getting to pet Lucy and when I say her name in this realllllllly deeeeeeeeeeep vooooooooiiiiiccccccccce.

Bonus of the week: State Farm wrote me a check for $2,293.68 for hail damage to my car.

The Mayer family could really, REALLY use $2,293.68 right about now.

What bothers me.

2008-05-23T20:31:00.000-05:00

I mean, among other things. Obviously, lots of stuff bothers me and I probably devote too much time to what bothers me vs. what I enjoy. I've matured from a jaded 20-something to a ridiculously cynical 30-something. It's a character trait that I'm making a conscious effort to highlight less. Mostly for my daughter's sake, but also because, after a while, being around someone who does nothing but complain is a fucking drag.

That being said, what really bothers me right this second is this picture:

The ways in which it bothers me are legion.

This is a picture of an obscure band in Austin, TX. A band that you will probably never hear of again ( god willing ).

The picture is just stuck in my craw, like a splinter or a piece of popcorn that I can't get from between my teeth.

Maybe it's resentment?

Maybe I miss being in a band?
(Although, in all fairness, the gayest picture of me in a band is here and I'm not wearing any lace,velvet or a forchrissakesgoddamn SCARF)

I think what REALLY bothers me is:

a) How much they look like "The Lost Boys"

and

b) They actually liked these photos enough to put them up for public consumption.

(The link is totally worth the click. There are "individual shots" that are even more ridiculous than the group shot, not to mention the fact that this entire photo shoot apparently took place in the bathroom of some goth kid with a Pier One credit card)

It goes without saying that the singer is into it, but at some point didn't the bass player say, "Dude, NO. We look like fools. Pouty, velvet wearing FOOLS." You expect the drummer to just go with the flow, and the guitar players are probably secretly down for anything that involves eyeliner and making pensive faces, but I'm disappointed that the bassist didn't make a stand. He looks like a reasonable guy and this sets a dangerous precedent for lead singers (and their girlfriends) with photo "concepts".

This does not bode well for brick walls, train tracks and alleyways.

Mark my words.

-------------------------

( As a disclaimer, I wrote this post because this band somehow keeps popping up on Myspace. They're either a "friend of a friend" or some such shit and everytime I follow a link, there they are. They're like a goddamn booger on my Myspace finger. A velvet-wearing, over gelled-hair-having booger. )

( And, yes, I know that Myspace is really for 15 year old girls. )

( I feel the need to defend my Myspace usage, but in the interest of brevity, I'll just let it go )

( I'm not a pedophile )

What more could I ask for?

2008-05-22T21:15:00.001-05:00

lilyandlucy2
Originally uploaded by michaelrossmayer

American Disparage

2008-05-21T19:43:00.000-05:00

I wear t-shirts almost exclusively and finding a t-shirt brand, style and size that fits correctly is often difficult.

I'm picky.

If the shirt is too big and baggy it makes me hot and uncomfortable and if it's too tight my nipples show and it makes EVERYONE uncomfortable.

It was with great joy that I headed to the Round Rock Outlet mall with my lovely wife and beautiful daughter, for I had recently discovered that there was an American Apparel store there. If you're not familiar with American Apparel, they are the company with the ad campaign that looks like it was shot in a pedophile's basement in the mid-80s.

Despite their creepy-ass ads, I happen to think that how they treat their employees is awesome. They run a union shop with fair trade practices, so I don't have some 6 year old Taiwanese kid's bloody fingers on my conscience.

All good things, right?

Right.

So, it was with a happy heart that I stepped into their store.

This happiness, alas, did not last.

Let me digress for a moment with some background information about myself.

1. I don't care what your sexual preference is. Really. I could give a shit if you like boys or girls or both or neither. I will judge you on the basis of your character and how you treat me and others.

2. I'm neither shocked nor bothered by piercings or tattoos. I have tattoos and have had piercings in the past. Again, I don't care. At all. I live in Austin, TX for chrissakes. I can't throw a rock without hitting a guy with tight black jeans, sleeves and 8 gauge plugs in his ears.

Are we crystal clear on these two points?

3. I fucking hate pretentious hipsters.

Oftentimes, pretentious hipsters are gay men with lots of tattoos and piercings. One has nothing to do with the other. You can be gay and not a pretentious hipster. You can have tattoos and piercings and not be a pretentious hipster. However, when you run into a gay, pretentious hipster with tattoos and piercings they always seem to think that you're judging them because they are gay and have piercings and tattoos.

Still with me?

So, what did I find when I walked into the American Apparel store in Round Rock?

Fucking hipsters.

Gay, pretentious hipsters with piercings and tattoos.

The trifecta of bad customer service.

I could sense their disdain for the three of us the minute we walked in the door. A straight couple with a baby is kryptonite to hipsters. It's their fucking NIGHTMARE, the antithesis of everything they are.

We were, very clearly, the antichrist.

And how might one treat the antichrist?

By ignoring them utterly.

We obviously were looking for specific items, we obviously needed help and there were three of us ( counting Lily ) and three of them.

So, they answered the phone. They stood in the corner and folded shirts. They did everything BUT make eye contact with us, offer to help, you know act like a fucking employee.

So, we eventually found what we wanted, Jen left to go look at another store and I stayed to pay.

Again, not a word from them, save the obligatory, "Is this all for you?".

So, I got my conscience-clearing, union-friendly t-shirts and walked out.

I didn't get mad, I didn't ask to speak to their manager ( I'm sure one of them was the manager, probably the one with the most tattoos and visible chest hair ), I just paid for my shit and left.

And I've been brewing over it for a few weeks now.

I visited the American Apparel web page again and found a feedback form. I'm gonna mail them and let them know what happened, not because I want someone to get fired, but because when you're in the business of doing the right thing ( as they clearly are ), then you should want to attract as many paying customers as possible.

Even if they are lower-middle-class breeders like us.

It's the sequencing, I tell you.

2008-05-19T17:48:00.000-05:00

Jen and I were discussing great albums on the drive back from Mr. "I Think Yelling at My Daugher is Awesome"'s house.

Albums that you can listen to in their entirety and at the end of the last song, you have to hit stop because if it starts back at the first song it won't seem right. These are the albums that you don't skip songs on. The ones that every song is part of the record as a whole.

You know, ALBUMS.

So, here are my favorites ( in no specific order ):

1. Throwing Copper by Live

I have no idea how this band derailed so miserably after this record. Everything they've put out since just pales in comparison.

2. Adam and Eve by the Catherine Wheel

The Catherine Wheel were just as good as early Radiohead but somehow didn't get the credit they were due.

3. Recovering the Satellites by Counting Crows

Definitely their peak. It's been downhill ever since. I'll go so far as to say their new album is downright bad. There are parts of the new record where I actually, physically cringe.

4. Dulcinea by Toad the Wet Sprocket

"Reincarnation Song" may be the best last song on any album ever.

5. The Bends by Radiohead

I appreciate their work after this, but they kinda quit writing songs and got all "arty". They could mic up Thom Yorke's ass for 20 minutes now and still go Platinum.

Anyone else want to throw out their favorites?

PSA for a pooch

2008-05-14T20:38:00.001-05:00

Repost for a friend of mine:

Attention, Austin!!! Winslow is the quintessential happy puppy. He loves to play, is a great snuggler, and needs a new home. Winslow is a shepherd mix with floppy ears and heartbreaking eyes. He is ready to find a friend for life who will devote time and affection and really bond. Someone to go to the park with and puppy school with and hang around the house with. Winslow has a sweet disposition and is sure to grow to be loyal, brilliant and and all around great dog. He is currently 5-6 months and weighs between 40 and 50 pounds. His shots are current and he is due to be fixed. He's not totally stoked about leashes and isn't quite used to riding in cars, but he's still young and untrained (though he is housebroken).

If you're interested, or know a responsible dog owner who would be interested, please contact me.

as requested

2008-05-11T22:01:00.002-05:00

Our First Mother's Day
by: Michael Mayer

On our first Mother's Day, we fled my sister's house in the middle of lunch to drive from Dallas back to Austin. We left so abruptly because my brother in law is a mouth-breathing fucktard who thinks yelling in a 17 month old baby's face ( my niece, who is a super-sweet little girl ) is what passes for parenting these days. Jen and I think that this is not a good environment for our baby to be in ( or us, for that matter ), so we left. We did so with the least amount of drama possible.

We stopped to get gas on the way home and there was a field of flowers behind it. Jen picked some.

I Love my daughter and I Love my wife and I'm incredibly lucky to have them both.

P.S. Fuck my brother-in-law.

P.P.S. I Love my sister, my niece and my nephew but, seriously, fuck my brother-in-law.

Even senility has it's perks.

2008-05-06T12:28:00.004-05:00

Oh, man.

It's truly one of my favorite words.

What cracks me up so much is that when he was asked about it at a town hall meeting he completely dodged the question.

The Republicans continually drag out their bullshit about "character", "moral" superiority and "wholesomeness" and it turns out that their candidate calls his wife a cunt.

In front of other people.

Hilarious.

Not that I think it's immoral, unwholesome or of bad character to call someone a cunt, I'm going strictly by their standards.

The article goes on to explain how he's not a very pleasant man.

Shouldn't he be sitting on his porch telling kids to get off his lawn?

Attention, today's youth:

2008-05-05T22:18:00.001-05:00

Straighten your goddamn hat.

That is all.

we really ARE that stupid

2008-05-01T20:54:00.002-05:00

Our modern media assumes that you'll give a shit about a lapel pin.

They think that your opinion of someone's ability to lead the country is changed by who their friends, associates or their fucking PASTOR is.

They think that when there's no REAL dirt to dig up, that they can pass off the smallest detail of someone's life as "controversy".

And, by looking at the polls, they're right.

This is all so goddamn disappointing, even for a cynical bastard like me.

Meanwhile, the current president is
just soaring.

On a brighter note, please stand by for the greatest video ever. ( yes, it's my daughter and my wife and yes I expect you to feign interest )

really?

2008-04-22T21:21:00.001-05:00

Our president makes a guest appearance on a game show and his wife shows up on the Today show hawking a book?

Seriously?

Does it get any more embarassing than this?

someecards.com

2008-04-19T21:14:00.001-05:00

This has been one of my favorite sites for a long time.

I'll trot out this tired cliche'

2008-04-16T21:52:00.002-05:00

How the HELL did she get this big so fast?

She's eating solid food now.

She has a fucking HIGH CHAIR for chrissakes.

What am I supposed to do when she learns how to walk?

happy Sunday

2008-04-13T19:26:00.001-05:00

uh, no

2008-04-10T21:26:00.002-05:00

I'm going to postpone my Lily update ( which, I realize is mind-numbingly boring for most people--reading about someone else's four month old daughter just can't be all that compelling )

My time is precious, my daughter is asleep and I have three episodes of South Park to watch.

some professional advice

2008-04-09T19:52:00.007-05:00

I work with dogs every day.

So, people often ask me what kind of dog I think they should get.

My number one piece of advice is to go to your local shelter or mixed-breed rescue organization first. That's where all the best dogs are. I generally discourage people from getting pure-bred dogs because of the inherent health issues ( mostly due to inbreeding for desired physical traits ) and the general lack of responsible breeders.

That fat lady that lives next door to you and breeds "Puggles"?

Yeah, that's not responsible breeding. ( don't even get me started on all the designer breeds now, jesus fucking christ what a tragedy...)

I think people that breed dogs as a hobby or for "extra income" should be forced to fuck their own children. Most of the time, that's what they're making their dogs do and what's good for the goose......

( I know that there are responsible breeders who breed good dogs, so save your stories about your "awesome" lab that came from a breeder and cured cancer and saved six drowning kids all in one day. And don't EVEN try to convince me that your Boxer is a good dog. Save it. We both know that's a goddamn lie )

With all that being said, if someone is set on getting a pure-bred dog, based on my experience, I try to steer them away from certain breeds. If nothing else, to save these dogs from being "owner-surrendered" at their local shelter.

My list of most-despised breeds:

1. ( with a BULLET ) English Bulldogs.

If you'd like a stubborn, stupid dog that's shaped like a watermelon ( and about as easy to train ), then this is the dog for you! Bonus Breathing Problems are included!

2. Boxers.

Virtually every boxer that I've come in contact with is ill-behaved, badly bred, reactive to the point of aggression and stupid as a sack of wet hair.

And they all jump on you.

Every. Goddamn. One of them.

3. Beagles.

Hey! Let's take a hunting dog and stick it in a house with our kids. Haahahhahahah, isn't it funny when it runs in circles and bays like that? I wonder why it's so wound up all the time? We let it play in our back yard for at least 20 minutes a day!

4. Basset Hounds

If you'd like to combine the worst qualities of the English Bullddog (hard to train, stubborn, stupid ) and the Beagle ( that fun noise they make! ), then this is the breed for you.

I don't know why they all start with a "B", that's just the way it works.

I'd like to add that I'm not some "dog bigot". I still give every dog I meet a chance, but I can't help but brace for the worst every time we get a call about "my boxer who just has SO MUCH ENERGY!", because I know what I'm in for.

If I turn out to be wrong, I'm the first to admit it, but it happens so seldom with these breeds.

And don't forget to spay and neuter your animals. ( I could write an entire post on the fucking morons who leave their dogs intact )

Encores are stupid.

2008-04-08T16:42:00.003-05:00

I went last Wednesday to see one of my all-time favorite bands the Weakerthans. I missed them the last time they were in Austin because I fell asleep. Yes. I fell asleep.

They did not disappoint.

And here's why:

The just played.

No light shows. No eyeliner. No shiny shirts. No emotional monologues before their songs. No drama. No silly bullshit. They stood up there and played their songs.

They can get away with it because they write good songs and play them well and I think it's really that simple.

That's why Kiss has such an elaborate show. Because they TOTALLY SUCK BALLS. That's why when you buy your Nickelback tickets, you know you're gonna get a lot of pyrotechnics. That's why there were so many pointy guitars and spandex in the 80s. ( don't get me wrong, as a 15 year old, I thought Poison was the BEST. BAND. EVER. )

I'd also like to take this opportunity to express my disdain for the "planned encore". Either tell us that you want to take a quick break and you'll be back or just finish your set.

The encore was the only part of the Weakerthans show that was disappointing. That, and when I got home I realized that the Medium T-shirt I bought was so tight that I looked like a bouncer in a gay bar.

I still have so much to learn.

2008-03-28T21:38:00.001-05:00

A fun game that none of you lazy shits will participate in.

2008-03-26T20:54:00.002-05:00

I think that it's neato ( you read right, I said "neato" ) to see what other people's desktops look like.

If you don't know how to take a snapshot of your screen then Google it. (if you're on a Mac, it's just Apple/Shift/3, if you're on a PC you're doomed anyway )

And here's a link to a picture of my desktop.

For Chrissakes, someone play along. ( and don't cheat and put granny porn or something equally awesome as your desktop and act like that's how it always is. Be honest )

Cautiously hopeful; but not really.

2008-03-19T17:37:00.004-05:00

For the half-dozen or so people that read this jackassery, I would direct you to Tammy's comment regarding how Obama's speech made her feel:

"It's the kind of speech that makes me want to drop to my knees and beg the Universe, "Please. PLEASE let the man who delivered this speech truly BE the kind of man that he seems to be. And if he truly IS that kind of man, please, PLEASE let him remain that way once he is elected."

It's difficult for me, sometimes, to genuinely embrace hope through the barriers of my cynicism. I'm like a little girl who looks up at her father with adoration and reverence, but still holds on to the nagging fear that he may backhand her across the face at any moment."

She has precisely NAILED exactly how I feel about the speech and Obama.

I'm a complete pessimist and I get so flinchy when I realize that a politician has made me hopeful ( even a *little* hopeful ).

So, Barack, don't let me down. ( though, deep down, I know that you will )

*sigh*