some professional advice

I work with dogs every day.

So, people often ask me what kind of dog I think they should get.

My number one piece of advice is to go to your local shelter or mixed-breed rescue organization first. That's where all the best dogs are. I generally discourage people from getting pure-bred dogs because of the inherent health issues ( mostly due to inbreeding for desired physical traits ) and the general lack of responsible breeders.

That fat lady that lives next door to you and breeds "Puggles"?

Yeah, that's not responsible breeding. ( don't even get me started on all the designer breeds now, jesus fucking christ what a tragedy...)

I think people that breed dogs as a hobby or for "extra income" should be forced to fuck their own children. Most of the time, that's what they're making their dogs do and what's good for the goose......

( I know that there are responsible breeders who breed good dogs, so save your stories about your "awesome" lab that came from a breeder and cured cancer and saved six drowning kids all in one day. And don't EVEN try to convince me that your Boxer is a good dog. Save it. We both know that's a goddamn lie )

With all that being said, if someone is set on getting a pure-bred dog, based on my experience, I try to steer them away from certain breeds. If nothing else, to save these dogs from being "owner-surrendered" at their local shelter.

My list of most-despised breeds:

1. ( with a BULLET ) English Bulldogs.

If you'd like a stubborn, stupid dog that's shaped like a watermelon ( and about as easy to train ), then this is the dog for you! Bonus Breathing Problems are included!

2. Boxers.

Virtually every boxer that I've come in contact with is ill-behaved, badly bred, reactive to the point of aggression and stupid as a sack of wet hair.

And they all jump on you.

Every. Goddamn. One of them.

3. Beagles.

Hey! Let's take a hunting dog and stick it in a house with our kids. Haahahhahahah, isn't it funny when it runs in circles and bays like that? I wonder why it's so wound up all the time? We let it play in our back yard for at least 20 minutes a day!

4. Basset Hounds

If you'd like to combine the worst qualities of the English Bullddog (hard to train, stubborn, stupid ) and the Beagle ( that fun noise they make! ), then this is the breed for you.

I don't know why they all start with a "B", that's just the way it works.

I'd like to add that I'm not some "dog bigot". I still give every dog I meet a chance, but I can't help but brace for the worst every time we get a call about "my boxer who just has SO MUCH ENERGY!", because I know what I'm in for.

If I turn out to be wrong, I'm the first to admit it, but it happens so seldom with these breeds.

And don't forget to spay and neuter your animals. ( I could write an entire post on the fucking morons who leave their dogs intact )