I've read it's more addictive than Heroin.

When I was 15 years old, I started smoking.

I started because I thought it was cool ( I was right ) and that it made me look cool ( right again ).

What happened, though was I found out I really, realllllly, REEEEAAAAAALLLLY liked smoking.

It was my "thing". I think it's the equivalent of alcoholics who say that when they have their first drink a sort of light goes on. Smoking was like that for me.

So, I smoked for almost 20 whole years. ( the only time I had tried to quit before was when I moved to Austin in 2004. And, to my credit, I quit for an entire year. )

That's the only time I've ever tried to quit until January of this year. I decided that, what with fatherhood and all, the responsible thing for me to do was quit.

For good.

So, I stopped. Cold turkey. January 8th, I think. And I haven't smoked since. I finished the last cigarette in my pack and that was it.

I firmly believe that unless you really want to quit, it doesn't make a goddamn bit of difference if you use the patch or Chantix or any other "stop smoking aids".

This is all well and good.

The problem is, I miss it. Alot. I really, really, really, really miss smoking. From what I've read, it's physically out of your system in a few days, so I'm way past the physical side, I just really miss smoking now.

And I'm kinda scared that I'll always really want to smoke and it won't go away.

I realize that there are much larger issues in the world, but being kind of obsessive by nature, I spend way too much time thinking about whether or not I should start smoking again.

I know what the answer to that question is, but it nags at me, nonetheless.

And, as hokey as it may sound, these are the only two reasons I don't go to the convenience store RIGHT NOW and pick up a sweet-ass pack of Marlboros.