I spent New Year's Eve 1999 with my friends Jme and Colleen.
On paper ( or the screen ) 10 years looks like a long time. It feels like it could be or maybe it isn't. Jme and Colleen aren't married anymore. I don't even know who lives in that house on 24th street. A number, incidentally, I have tattooed on my back. That tattoo does what tattoos are supposed to do, mark a point. Maybe to put a period at the end of a sentence. I started dating Jen in 2000. We have a daughter now. A fact that still catches me by surprise. My old band was still together in 1999. My whole existence kind of pivoted on that band for about 5 years. I often wonder if that was wasted time or if it was one of those things that you just can't pay for and that regret or hindsight is an exercise in futility. I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. I sit down to play, or write or spend some of the precious minutes I have to do "my" stuff and I always finish empty-handed. I don't make anything anymore. I'm not sure if the desire to create something ( anything ) just exists so that I can mark those minutes or hours I spent with something at least marginally tangible. As in, "I just finished this song" or "I just wrote this paragraph".
I spend too much time online. To be more specific, I spend too much time pouring over the infinite corners of Facebook. I'm not sure what that compulsion is. Am I trying to re-live high school? Am I getting some satisfaction from being smug about people's bad taste or ignorance? ( two things I'm sure I have in spades ). Being self-righteous is funny. Until it's not. What I begin to realize is that no one really gives a shit but me and that makes me even more petty than those I think the same of. What a time suck that place is.
So, do I have any goals for this year?
I'd like to manage my time better and figure out what I should be doing when I'm not working or being a father or a husband. It's pretty easy to do nothing. The time I have outside of those confines is pretty small and a snap to squander. Shit, I'm doing it right now. Lily's asleep, Jen's working and I sat down to play and......nothing.
I watch too many movies, too much TV.
I guess this is the point where most people find Jesus or discover their purpose or, probably more often than not, just say "fuck it" and turn on Jersey Shore.
I'm not ready to do that yet but I haven't completely counted those two options out either.
3 comments:
Its good to see you posting again. I too have the problem of not being able to "create" anything anymore. As a result, my wife Nora suggested I start a blog about movies so I can do more than just sit on my ass and watch things, now I can write about them!
Incindentally, you're time in Spilling Poetry was not in vain. Nora loves the stuff you guys did and she never even heard any of it until 5 years after the band had broken up. The music you had a part in making is still having an impact (on way more people than just me) way after the fact. I know that sounds corny, but its true.
:)
I don't think you suck at all, and I hate most people so hopefully that counts for something.
That said, maybe you should just kill yourself?
I think your photography counts as creative; you have some really good photos, and they are getting better, so you must be improving in your technique somehow.
This post is why I value you as a friend.
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